Because it wasn't a full victory.

Beast

I've learned so much this year, about love especially.

First to love myself, in a good way. All the while learning to trust, and come to truly love another.

Now I must nurture. Both these men and the bond that links them. Care, and work. Understanding, and protection.

I have found my brother. With free heart and mind I must move forward through the fog of what may yet be.

To show love, that is my task and my right.

To Be

I know what I must be. What I must appear to be. That's it. That's all that needs to be said.

I feel as though I require fuel to feed my will. Something about him inspired me like nothing else. Something true.

I need to be. I need to fuel myself. Self sustaining. Self sustaining.

I have circled an studied this mountain. I am what is ugly. I need to show him, I need to show them what I've only glimpsed in myself.

Are you not addicted.

Why am I still here.
Why do I still hurt.
Why, after all this time, do I hate myself.
Why can't I live.
Why can't I love.
Why can't I trust and let anyone in.
What can I do to save myself.

Is that what this is? An attempt to rescue myself?

I don't know what I can do when this fails.

Control Perception

Why do I have this personality disorder?

I can see it's shadow stretching behind me.

I can feel it's effects echoing in my footsteps.

Who's mind is this. This disease that is me. My self. Some diseased tree. What can be done for it?

I'm finally at the edge of my answer. It's truth will turn all my wishes to evil. What evil longs for. Respite or freedom.

Respite or Freedom.

I saw the stars last night, it felt so good. All this filthy meaningless light. Choking out what is freely mine. We've lost our way. There's so much noise, so much confusion. A liar of everyman. How can this be. Only evil seeks purity. All the world is confused. And Lost. And forgotten.

I'm not articulating everything I'm thinking. I'm not sure why it's difficult. Maybe I just can't define it all.

They see me and stand in awe. Tired, I'm thrown into the pail again and again. I run out. I forget to dance and decide to stroll alongside. But who can walk with me? Who would walk with me?

Maybe this is the lesson. To teach myself to tread carefully. To control perception. Who are you? And who did you think I was? Teach me this. This is what I came to you for, to learn from you.

I can't say everything, there are no ears.

I have something I wanted. I'd best not lose him to the battle that is id ego and super. I've lost so much while dazed and shellshocked.

To control perception.

This song. I'm trying to get traction with it. I keep restarting it. I wasnt to feel it. I want to know it's meaning so I can feel at the depth it can take me. I keep restarting.

Can I admit defeat. Can i give up and move on to my next. Why do I suck the life and poison. So alone I play with the dead things that know what i am and despise it. Am I so in need of feling real. No one can stand this reality. To become something wholesome and yet true. And yet true, despite the smile worn in the face of all this horror.

My face has mirrored the horror I see. They can see my face, and wonder at it. I point them toward the horror. I want someone else to see it.

I thought he could see it. I still hope he will. Am i so foolish for hoping I can breath Life into this.

That's it. I'm hoping. Hope is weak. Knowing is impossible. Is there a strength that would help me to believe.

To be real. To smile without lying. To believe. To be watchful and aware of the horror. To see, to feel, to live in both worlds and yet become and remain human.

Is that the goal?

I can't stay here, playing with my dead.