Control Perception

Why do I have this personality disorder?

I can see it's shadow stretching behind me.

I can feel it's effects echoing in my footsteps.

Who's mind is this. This disease that is me. My self. Some diseased tree. What can be done for it?

I'm finally at the edge of my answer. It's truth will turn all my wishes to evil. What evil longs for. Respite or freedom.

Respite or Freedom.

I saw the stars last night, it felt so good. All this filthy meaningless light. Choking out what is freely mine. We've lost our way. There's so much noise, so much confusion. A liar of everyman. How can this be. Only evil seeks purity. All the world is confused. And Lost. And forgotten.

I'm not articulating everything I'm thinking. I'm not sure why it's difficult. Maybe I just can't define it all.

They see me and stand in awe. Tired, I'm thrown into the pail again and again. I run out. I forget to dance and decide to stroll alongside. But who can walk with me? Who would walk with me?

Maybe this is the lesson. To teach myself to tread carefully. To control perception. Who are you? And who did you think I was? Teach me this. This is what I came to you for, to learn from you.

I can't say everything, there are no ears.

I have something I wanted. I'd best not lose him to the battle that is id ego and super. I've lost so much while dazed and shellshocked.

To control perception.

This song. I'm trying to get traction with it. I keep restarting it. I wasnt to feel it. I want to know it's meaning so I can feel at the depth it can take me. I keep restarting.

Can I admit defeat. Can i give up and move on to my next. Why do I suck the life and poison. So alone I play with the dead things that know what i am and despise it. Am I so in need of feling real. No one can stand this reality. To become something wholesome and yet true. And yet true, despite the smile worn in the face of all this horror.

My face has mirrored the horror I see. They can see my face, and wonder at it. I point them toward the horror. I want someone else to see it.

I thought he could see it. I still hope he will. Am i so foolish for hoping I can breath Life into this.

That's it. I'm hoping. Hope is weak. Knowing is impossible. Is there a strength that would help me to believe.

To be real. To smile without lying. To believe. To be watchful and aware of the horror. To see, to feel, to live in both worlds and yet become and remain human.

Is that the goal?

I can't stay here, playing with my dead.

I feel lost. I dreamt of it. Useless and reactionary. I'm becoming a chameleon. The cracks and the truth they reveal are showing. The ice I cracking and I'm not even allowed the comfort of earned warmth. I am a thief, nothing I have can warm me.

Stuck, hollow, and alone.
I'm in love with men. I'm always running to the next sage, king, and brother. Can I become this thing I'm loving? Would that satisfy?

This broken, twisted boy. Would he be honest, naked, and true? But they hide their faces in fear and agony. Pushing and shoving me away. I burn too bright.

The Way

There's so much conflict & such an unclear path. My steps are all I truly have. My steps will lead me if I only would heed my mind.

I want to say I understand.
I want to be understood.
I need to be able to disagree.
I need to be able to be free.

A will, a heart, a mind. The tools of my life. Utilize.

Location:Prowler Ave,Oak Harbor,United States

Burning

Fire. Out of control. Consuming, intense and fascinating. Destruction incarnate, clearing a way to rebirth.
Can't help myself but to crave.

Sit back, shut up, look away. Too bright, too hot, too vulnerable. Don't look, can't bear to be looked away from.

Dancing on this borderline.

Location:Prowler Ave,Oak Harbor,United States

Hopeful distrustful

Day about to break as I and the world I've fallen into, fall asleep at last. A day of fate I suppose. An impression here, and an impression or more there. This thing I'm trying to keep alive is catching their eyes it seems.
I have been hoping recently. Disappointment and restriction are the inevitable ends. Loose ends to be tied, and perhaps me into them, by month's end. Maybe later today.

Hoping for so much impossibilty. Yearning for this definition of love. Hating this distrust.